Welcome to the legendary father of wisdom blog!: Romance relationship!
My name is Samuel M Lee, and I was the leading figure of wisdom for 18 years. This is a website that is ran by your donations!
Successful Relationships
It is evident that all successful relationships are characterised by a set of common factors.
Be together for the right reasons
The elements that facilitate a relationship's success, as indicated by its happiness and sustainability for both parties, necessitate a sincere and profound admiration for each other. Absent a mutual admiration society, the entire edifice risks collapse.
It is important to note that love itself is not inherently positive or negative. The nature of love is such that it can be considered beneficial or detrimental, depending on the circumstances of its expression and reception. It is evident that love alone is insufficient to maintain a relationship over time.
It is imperative to cultivate a realistic perspective on relationships and romance.
There will be periods of time, ranging from days to weeks or even longer, during which the feelings of love and affection may not be experienced to the same extent. It is possible to experience a state of mind in which one wakes up and thinks, "I am still here." This occurrence is to be expected. Moreover, perseverance is of paramount importance, as it engenders change. After a period of time that may be a day, a week, or longer, the subject will experience a profound surge of affection towards the individual in question. This emotional response will be so overwhelming that the subject will perceive their heart as being unable to contain the intensity of their feelings, believing it to be on the verge of exploding. This is because a living love is also in a constant state of evolution. The phenomenon of expansion and contraction, accompanied by a gradual mellowing and deepening, is a testament to the dynamic nature of the subject under scrutiny. The current state of affairs is not, nor will it ever be, a return to the status quo ante.
True love, defined as profound and enduring affection that remains unshaken by fleeting emotional tendencies or superficial desires, is a deliberate choice. This commitment is constant, irrespective of the circumstances in which the individual finds themselves. This entails a commitment to a person who will not always engender contentment, nor should they be expected to do so, and a person who will require your support and assistance at times, just as you will require theirs.
This particular form of love is characterised by its complexity and demanding nature. This is primarily due to the fact that the experience is frequently unpleasant. The endeavour is devoid of ostentation. The patient is obliged to attend numerous medical appointments during the early hours of the morning. The process entails the cleaning of bodily fluids that are generally considered to be undesirable. The process entails the navigation of another person's insecurities, fears and ideas, even when such exposure is not desired.
However, it is important to note that this form of love is characterised by a greater sense of fulfilment and significance. Ultimately, it engenders authentic felicity, rather than merely a succession of euphoric sensations.
The most significant element in any relationship is respect, rather than communication.
As the two of us perused the hundreds of responses that had been sent to us, it became apparent that there was an interesting trend emerging. Individuals who had previously undergone divorce proceedings and/or had been in a relationship for a period of 10-15 years invariably identified effective communication as the paramount factor in ensuring the success of their relationships. It is imperative to engage in frequent dialogue. Talk openly. It is imperative to engage in discourse on all matters, irrespective of the discomfort it may cause. Subsequently, the validity of this assertion will be addressed. However, it was observed that the aspect that individuals with long-standing marriages, spanning 20, 30, or even 40 years, highlighted as being of paramount importance was respect. It is my hypothesis that, due to their extensive experience, these individuals have come to recognise that, regardless of the openness, transparency and discipline employed in communication, it is inevitable that it will ultimately fail at some point. Conflicts are inevitable, and it is inevitable that feelings will be hurt. The only factor that can safeguard both partners from the inevitable consequences of human fallibility is an unwavering respect for one another. This entails holding each other in high esteem, believing in each other more than one believes in oneself, and trusting that one's partner is doing their best with the resources available to them. Absent a foundation of mutual respect, there is a risk of misinterpretation and a lack of trust in communication. The judgement of their choices and the encroachment on their independence will be the consequence of this. It is evident that there is a strong inclination to conceal information from one another, driven by a fear of criticism. At this juncture, the fissures in the edifice begin to become apparent.
It is imperative to engage in candid discourse on all matters, with a particular emphasis on those subjects that are emotionally distressing.
In the event that an issue is observed within the context of the relationship, it is imperative to be willing to articulate the concern. The assertion that trust fosters intimacy is a well-established psychological principle. It is acknowledged that this course of action may be accompanied by a certain degree of discomfort; nevertheless, its implementation remains imperative. It is important to recognise that no external party has the capacity to rectify an interpersonal relationship on your behalf. It is not incumbent upon any other individual to do so. In a similar fashion to how causing pain to muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into a relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.
The maintenance of secrecy is paramount. Secrets invariably create a sense of division. This is invariably the case.
It is imperative to learn to discern your partner's own shady behaviour from your own insecurities (and vice-versa). This is a challenging issue, and it is likely that direct confrontation will be necessary to resolve it. However, in the majority of interpersonal conflicts, one individual perceives a particular behaviour as being entirely "normal", while the other considers it to be profoundly "problematic". It is frequently challenging to discern who is being irrational and insecure and who is being reasonable and merely advocating for oneself. It is imperative to exercise patience when addressing one's personal vulnerabilities, and when confronted with significant challenges, to maintain authenticity in one's self-expression. It is imperative to acknowledge this fact. And strive to be better.
Trust can be likened to a china plate. In the event of accidental dropping, the object can be reassembled with significant effort and attention. In the event of an object being dropped and subsequently broken for a second time, it will invariably fracture into twice the number of pieces as when it was initially broken. The process of reassembling the object will require a greater amount of time and care. However, if the object is subjected to sufficient impact and fragmentation, it will inevitably undergo a fragmentation into a multitude of disparate components, rendering any attempt at reconstruction infructuous.
The notion of a "healthy relationship" is predicated on the premise that both parties involved are in a state of psychological and emotional well-being.
The cornerstone of a healthy and happy relationship is the presence of two healthy and happy individuals. The key concept to be emphasised here is... The term 'individuals' is employed. This suggests that two individuals possess distinct identities, individual interests and perspectives, and activities that they engage in independently and autonomously.
The concept of "sacrifice" within the context of a relationship is a recurring theme. The expectation is that the relationship will be maintained through the consistent sacrifice of the self for the benefit of the partner and their desires and necessities. There is some veracity to this claim. It is an inherent aspect of interpersonal relationships that, at certain points, each individual must make a conscious decision to relinquish certain aspects of their personal lives. However, the crux of the issue lies in the fact that the happiness of the relationship becomes contingent upon the actions of the other, resulting in a perpetual state of mutual sacrifice. The aforementioned text is to be re-examined. A relationship predicated on sacrifices is unlikely to endure, and will ultimately prove deleterious to both parties.
Give each other space
A recurrent theme in the emails was the significance of creating space and separation from one another. It has been observed that certain individuals may be reluctant to grant their partners autonomy and independence. This behaviour can be attributed to a lack of trust and/or insecurity, stemming from the belief that if an individual is afforded a significant amount of autonomy, it may result in the partner's realisation that they no longer wish to be in a relationship with the other person. It has been demonstrated that individuals experiencing a lack of self-worth and confidence in their relationship and emotional intelligence tend to exert a greater degree of control over their partners and their behaviours. Nevertheless, it is imperative to acknowledge that this incapacity to allow our partners to be who they are constitutes a subtle manifestation of disrespect. Indeed, if a spouse is unable to be trusted to attend a modest golfing trip with acquaintances, or if there is a reluctance to allow the spouse to go out for drinks after work, this may be indicative of a lack of respect for their capacity to manage such situations effectively. This prompts the question of whether such behaviour is indicative of a lack of self-respect. It is evident that the belief that a limited number of social interactions in the evening can effectively influence a romantic partner's behaviour is indicative of a low self-esteem.
It is important to note that both partners are likely to undergo significant personal growth and change, often in unexpected ways. It is essential that this process is embraced.
A recurrent theme that emerged, particularly among couples with over 20 years of marriage, pertained to the notion of personal transformation over time. It was emphasised that both partners undergo changes as they progress through the years, and the importance of each partner's readiness to embrace these changes and to support their partner through this process was underscored. One reader offered the following comment: at her wedding, an elderly relative conveyed to her the following message: "One day, many years from now, you will wake up and your spouse will be a different person. It is essential that you fall in love with that person as well."
It is reasonable to assume that upon reading this, the assumption would be made that Bill's current predilection for sausage will soon be superseded by a preference for steak. I am in agreement with this position." Indeed, the changes being referred to pertain to significant life transitions. It is important to be mindful that when two individuals choose to spend their lives together, they will inevitably encounter significant challenges that may result in the dissolution of the relationship. A survey of major life changes that people reported experiencing revealed that these included changing religions, moving countries, the death of family members (including children), supporting elderly family members (which involved going through probate claims), changing political beliefs, and even changing sexual orientation. In a couple of cases, respondents reported changing gender identification. It is noteworthy that the survival of these couples was facilitated by their mutual respect, which enabled them to adapt and thereby enable each individual to flourish and grow.
It is imperative to hone one's combat skills to a high level of proficiency.
"The relationship is a living, breathing thing. In a manner analogous to the human body and musculature, it is not possible for it to become stronger without exposure to stress and challenge. It is imperative to demonstrate combative spirit. It is imperative to engage in a process of negotiation and compromise to reach a mutually acceptable resolution. Obstacles make the marriage.” – Ryan
John Gottman is a renowned psychologist and researcher who has spent over 30 years analysing married couples and researching the factors that contribute to their long-term relationship stability and dissolution. Gottman's methodology involves the engagement of married couples in a controlled environment, accompanied by the installation of surveillance equipment. The couples are then prompted to engage in a simulated altercation. He invites them to select an issue with which they are currently grappling and to discuss it in front of the camera. It has been demonstrated that the analysis of a film for the purpose of facilitating a discussion (or indeed a shouting match) between a couple can result in the ability to predict with a high degree of accuracy whether the couple will divorce or not. However, the most intriguing aspect of Gottman's research pertains to the notion that the factors leading to divorce are not necessarily those that one might initially presume. It was evident that successful couples, in a manner analogous to unsuccessful couples, engaged in persistent conflict. Furthermore, a significant proportion of these individuals engage in intense conflict.
He has succeeded in identifying four characteristics of a couple that are predisposed to divorce (or breakup). In his literary works, the author has designated these as "the four horsemen" of the relationship apocalypse. They are:
One example of criticism of character is the use of ad hominem attacks, for example by saying "You're so stupid" as opposed to "That thing you did was stupid".
Defensiveness is characterised by the act of allocating blame to other parties, often expressed through statements such as "I would not have done that if you had not been late all the time."
Contempt is defined as the act of devaluing or belittling another person, thereby engendering a sense of inferiority in them.
The term "stonewalling" is used to describe the behaviour of withdrawing from an argument and ignoring one's partner.
The necessity for effective communication is a frequently discussed concept, yet its definition remains ambiguous. This ambiguity is attributed to the lack of clarity in defining the term. The prevailing sentiment suggests that effective communication necessitates the willingness to engage in discussions that may be perceived as uncomfortable. It is imperative to be willing to engage in confrontations. The expression of unflattering sentiments is recommended, with the aim of achieving catharsis through the process of disclosure.
It is imperative to develop the ability to forgive effectively.
It is this author's opinion that the most intriguing finding from Gottman's research is the observation that the majority of successful couples do not resolve all of their issues. Contrary to popular belief, the findings revealed that individuals in enduring and fulfilling relationships often encounter persistent challenges, while those in unhappy relationships characterised by constant need for agreement and compromise ultimately experience diminished well-being and relationship dissolution. In my opinion, as with all other matters, this ultimately boils down to the issue of respect. In the context of cohabitation, it is inevitable that individuals will hold divergent values and perspectives, which can result in conflict. The crux of the issue lies not in attempting to alter the other person, as such a desire is inherently disrespectful to both the individual concerned and oneself. Instead, the focus should be on acknowledging the differences, extending love despite them, and, when circumstances become challenging, demonstrating forgiveness.
A similar notion appears to be applicable to relationships: one's ideal partner is not someone who engenders no issues in the relationship, but rather someone who engenders issues in the relationship that one finds fulfilling to address.
Finally, it is imperative to exercise discernment in selecting the battles to be fought. It is imperative that individuals recognise the finite number of sexual encounters they are capable of engaging in, and ensure that these are reserved for activities that hold greater significance.
It is important to note that minor elements can ultimately have a significant impact on the overall outcome.
"The importance of maintaining connections throughout life's vicissitudes cannot be overstated. Subsequently, the children will reach maturity, the contentious brother-in-law will opt for a monastic vocation, and the parents will succumb to death. In such a scenario, it is pertinent to consider the subsequent implications. The conclusion is thus drawn that the individual in question has found their perfect match. It is important to consider the potential consequences of a relationship breakdown, particularly in cases where individuals find themselves estranged from their former partners following a period of significant change and conflict. It is imperative that both you and your partner embody the role of the eye of the hurricane.
Of the 1,500 responses received, approximately 500 involved the citation of a single, straightforward yet efficacious piece of advice. It is imperative to persist in the pursuit of minor objectives. They add up. Expressions of affection, such as uttering the words "I love you" before retiring for the night, engaging in physical contact, such as holding hands during a cinematic screening, performing minor acts of kindness, and assisting with domestic tasks, are all examples of simple gestures that can significantly enhance a relationship. Even inadvertently urinating on the toilet seat (a phenomenon that has indeed been observed) can have a significant impact over time.
This issue assumes particular significance once children are included in the equation. The predominant message received concerning children was to prioritize the marriage. "In contemporary society, children are the recipients of a significant degree of veneration. Parents are expected to make considerable sacrifices for their children. The most effective method of ensuring the optimal welfare and contentment of offspring is to cultivate a harmonious and fulfilling marital relationship. Good kids don’t make a good marriage. The correlation between a successful marital union and the upbringing of well-adjusted children has been well-documented. It is imperative to prioritise one's marriage. Susan
It is evident that sexual activity is of significant importance.
This experience marked the first instance in which I discerned a fundamental truth about relationships: sexual intimacy can be considered a metaphor for emotional connection. The hypothesis that the quality of the relationship directly correlates with the satisfaction derived from sexual activity is one that merits investigation. It is hypothesised that both parties will find it agreeable and that it will be a source of enjoyment for them. In the event of a relationship being characterised by unresolved problems and unaddressed negative emotions, the sexual relationship is likely to be the first aspect to be terminated.
However, sexual activity has been posited as a factor in the maintenance of a healthy relationship by numerous readers, who have also suggested that it can be utilised to facilitate the healing of relationships. In situations where interpersonal relations are marked by a certain degree of tension or difficulty, such as during periods of conflict or when confronted with competing demands, individuals may resort to scheduling intimate activities as a means of alleviating stress. This behaviour can be observed in various contexts, including familial relationships, where the presence of children may compound the challenges and necessitate the establishment of designated time for intimate activities. It is asserted that this is of significance. The endeavour is worthwhile. It has been documented that a number of individuals have reported that when their relationships begin to lose momentum, they consent to engage in sexual activity on a daily basis for a period of one week. Subsequent to this, and as if by magic, by the following week, the patients report a return to full health.
It is imperative to adopt a pragmatic approach and formulate a set of guidelines to facilitate the establishment and maintenance of functional relationships.
The prevailing counsel offered in this context emphasised the value of pragmatism. In the event of a dual-income household, with one partner engaged in legal practice and the other in artistic pursuits, with both individuals spending a significant proportion of their time at their respective places of employment, it is logical for the spouse with the more flexible schedule to assume primary responsibility for domestic and parental obligations. In instances where the domestic environment exhibits a level of cleanliness that might be commensurate with the standards depicted in a Home & Garden catalogue, and where a spouse has failed to acknowledge a light fixture suspended from the ceiling for a period of six months, it can be deduced that the spouse who habitually undertakes a greater proportion of domestic cleaning duties is likely to be the female.
This phenomenon, often termed the division of labour, is a fundamental economic principle that has been demonstrated to enhance overall economic efficiency and prosperity. It is imperative to ascertain your individual strengths and weaknesses, as well as your preferences and aversions, and subsequently to organise your activities in accordance with these factors. My wife has a passion for cleaning, but she is averse to malodorous substances. So guess who gets dishes and garbage duty? The author. This is due to a lack of concern on my part. It is also asserted that the subject would consume food from the same plate on seven consecutive occasions. Despite the olfactory stimulus of a deceased rodent, even in close proximity, no olfactory detection was possible. The subject will be engaged in the disposal of refuse for the duration of the day. The subject was then requested to retrieve an item.
Furthermore, a significant proportion of couples recommended the establishment of a codified set of regulations to govern their relationships. This assertion may initially seem trivial, but it is ultimately pragmatic. To what extent will you engage in joint financial management? The extent to which debt will be assumed or extinguished is a key consideration. The question therefore arises as to the extent to which individuals can engage in financial transactions without consulting one another. The question arises as to whether purchases should be executed in conjunction or whether there is sufficient trust to undertake them independently. How do you decide which vacations to go on? Consequently, meetings are convened to address these issues. While this approach may not be perceived as aesthetically pleasing or in vogue, its necessity remains indisputable. It is imperative to acknowledge the necessity of meticulous planning and consideration of individual requirements and available resources when embarking on a shared life together.
One individual even stated that she and her spouse undergo "annual reviews" on an annual basis. She immediately instructed me to desist from laughing, emphasising the sincerity of her warning. An annual review is conducted in which all aspects of the household are discussed, including positive and negative aspects, and potential changes for the forthcoming year are explored. This may appear to be of little consequence, but it is an essential aspect of maintaining communication between couples. The capacity for mutual understanding and responsiveness between partners is a significant factor in the maintenance of relationship stability and the prevention of interpersonal growth. It is evident that this is an exemplary strategy, and it is one that I aspire to implement in my own marital context.
Learn to ride the waves
"Two years ago, I began to experience a sense of resentment towards my wife, for a variety of reasons. It appeared that the relationship was proceeding smoothly, characterised by effective co-existence and collaborative parenting. However, the absence of a profound emotional bond was evident. The relationship deteriorated to such an extent that the prospect of separation was considered. However, upon rigorous introspection, no single issue was identified that would constitute a deal breaker. It is evident that she was an exceptional individual, a devoted mother, and a cherished friend. I exercised restraint and maintained optimism, anticipating a swift resolution to the pervasive sense of unease. Fortunately, this was not the case, and the relationship has flourished. The final piece of wisdom to be considered is the importance of affording one's spouse the benefit of the doubt. If such satisfaction has been experienced over an extended period, it is indicative of underlying reasons. It is imperative to exercise patience and to direct one's attention towards the numerous aspects of the individual in question that have persisted and continue to elicit the initial sentiments of affection.
"Such exercises invariably astonish the participant, as one would anticipate a plethora of divergent responses when requesting counsel from thousands of individuals on a given matter. However, in both cases, the majority of the advice has remained largely consistent. This phenomenon underscores the profound similarities that characterise our species. It is important to note that regardless of how dire circumstances may appear, individuals are seldom as isolated as they perceive themselves to be.
The following discourse shall bring this discussion to a close by means of a concise summary of the advice proffered. However, a reader named Margo has once again demonstrated a superior understanding of the subject matter. Consequently, the focus will now turn to Margo.
It is possible to overcome any obstacle, provided that the process does not result in self-destruction or the destruction of others. This may be defined in terms of emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual dimensions. It is imperative to establish a foundation of open communication, wherein all aspects are considered within the scope of discussion. It is imperative to refrain from deriding or mocking each other for the actions that engender contentment. It is recommended that the reasons for the initial attraction are documented, and that these reasons are reviewed annually on the anniversary of the event (or more frequently). The act of regularly exchanging epistolary expressions of affection is also recommended. The act of making each other a priority is paramount. Upon the arrival of children, it is important to maintain perspective and avoid allowing them to become the sole focal point of one's life. It is crucial to recall the love that led to their conception. It is imperative to nurture this love continuously in order to provide a sufficient foundation for the offspring. The spouse is to be prioritised. It is evident that each individual will continue to evolve and develop. It is imperative that the other one is brought with you. It is imperative to embrace this growth and evolve in accordance with it. It is important to recognise that the presence of one individual does not guarantee the stability of the relationship. It is imperative that both parties assume responsibility, thereby ensuring collaborative efforts towards the completion of the task. It is imperative to cultivate a fervour for domestic tasks such as cleaning, meal preparation, and maintaining the home. This is an obligation that must be fulfilled by all on a daily basis. It is imperative that the activity is rendered enjoyable and convivial, and that it is undertaken collectively. It is imperative to refrain from voicing any grievances regarding one's partner to external individuals. It is imperative to embrace individuals for their inherent qualities and characteristics. It is imperative to engage in sexual activity even in circumstances where one is not inclined to do so. Trust each other. It is imperative to extend mutual trust and confidence in all interactions. Transparency is paramount. It is imperative to approach this process with transparency and honesty. It is imperative to foster a sense of pride among the members of the group. It is imperative that individuals maintain a separate life from their partner, whilst simultaneously engaging in discourse to foster a sense of connection. The act of self-care and mutual affection is emphasised. It is advisable to seek counselling at the earliest opportunity in order to facilitate an open dialogue regarding the future of the relationship. It is important to note that there is a divergence of opinion regarding the feelings of the parties concerned. It is imperative to adopt an open-minded approach towards change and to embrace diversity.
