Welcome to the legendary father of wisdom blog!: Relationship!
My name is Samuel M Lee, and I was the leading figure of wisdom for 18 years. This is a website that is ran by your donations!
The Significance of Interpersonal Dynamics
Love is considered to be one of the most profound emotions experienced by human beings. There are many kinds of love, but many people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible partner (or partners). For these individuals, romantic relationships are of paramount importance and provide a significant source of personal fulfilment.
While the need for human connection appears to be innate, the ability to form healthy, loving relationships is a learned skill. Evidence suggests that the capacity to establish a stable relationship commences to develop in infancy, in a child's earliest experiences with a caregiver who reliably meets the infant's fundamental needs for food, care, warmth, protection, stimulation, and social contact. Such relationships are not predestined, yet they are theorized to establish profoundly entrenched patterns of relating to others. Nevertheless, the termination of a relationship is frequently a cause of significant psychological distress.
A treatise on the establishment of a salubrious relationship
The maintenance of a robust relationship is contingent upon the consistent provision of care and communication. Research has identified specific traits that are particularly salient in the cultivation of healthy relationships. It is imperative that individuals feel secure in the knowledge that their partner is willing to allocate sufficient time and attention to them. It is imperative that both parties demonstrate a commitment to resolving their differences, even as these evolve over time.
In the 21st century, the establishment of successful relationships is characterised by the presence of emotional and physical fairness, particularly in the distribution of domestic tasks. Partners in strong relationships also feel grateful for one another, openly provide and receive affection, and engage in honest discussions about sex.
In healthy relationships, partners endeavour to extend the benefit of the doubt to one another, thereby fostering a sense of unity and shared purpose. This sentiment, when cultivated over an extended period, has the potential to fortify the bond between couples, empowering them to navigate the vicissitudes of life and overcome the inevitable challenges that arise in their shared journey.
How to Find Love
The process of locating a suitable partner with whom to share a life is a commendable endeavour, albeit one that is often fraught with difficulty. Regardless of whether the search is conducted online or in-person, it is probable that the individual will be compelled to enter unaccustomed settings and confront the prospect of encountering potential partners. In order to achieve success, it is frequently imperative to venture beyond the confines of one's comfort zone.
Determining whether an individual is suitable as a potential romantic partner, and whether a relationship is indicative of transient infatuation or authentic affection, can be a daunting task. However, research suggests that there are discernible behavioural indicators that may facilitate such discernment.
One potentially counterintuitive indicator of a potential match is an individual's sense of self. A suitable partner may encourage an individual to explore new activities or beliefs that expand their self-concept. Another early signifier may be stress: The repeated interaction with an individual whose opinion is of significant importance to us has been demonstrated to engender feelings of anxiety. It is important to note that other positive indicators include a high level of motivation to see the person, as well as investing a significant amount of time, emotion and energy into the budding relationship.
How Relationships Fail
It is evident that each relationship necessitates a degree of faith on the part of at least one of the partners. Even within the most contented couples, the very qualities that initially attracted them to one another can, over time, evolve into irritations that result in the dissolution of the relationship. The acquisition of the skills necessary to establish a lasting connection is a challenging endeavour, and threats may emerge without warning. In the context of short-term, casual relationships, both parties may perceive the absence of a viable long-term future, yet frequently, only one party initiates action, often by abruptly terminating the relationship without communication, even by text message.
For some couples, infidelity represents the final straw, but a considerable number of relationships manage to withstand such an event. However, it is noteworthy that a significant proportion of these relationships are subsequently undermined by more quotidian challenges, such as a diminution of physical intimacy or a decline in positive sentiments in the aftermath of incessant criticism, contempt, or defensiveness. It is important to note that even couples who have been together for decades are not guaranteed to remain in a relationship. The divorce rate for couples over the age of 50 has increased twofold since 1990.
It has been documented that some individuals are capable of disengaging from long-term marital relationships and immediately experiencing a sense of liberation. For others, the termination of a relationship that had commenced after a mere handful of interactions can result in profound emotional distress, with the impact often persisting for extended periods. Notwithstanding the manner in which a relationship dissolution occurs, it has the capacity to engender considerable psychological distress, exerting an influence on an individual's ego and self-esteem that is profound and cannot be disregarded.
The Impact Of Strong Friendships
The impact of strong friendships on individuals across the lifespan.
New evidence emphasises the significance of friendships for our physical health.
Key points
A recent study has indicated a correlation between cumulative social advantage and a slower rate of aging, as well as reduced inflammation.
The hypothesis that social ties may help achieve benefits such as lower blood pressure and improved immunity is one that merits further investigation.
These findings suggest that friendships should be prioritised in a manner akin to that of exercise or nutrition for the purpose of maintaining good health.
Recent research has indicated that the quality of an individual's social relationships is a significant predictor of both physical and mental health over an extended period. As demonstrated in a frequently referenced study, the experience of chronic loneliness has been shown to carry a heightened mortality risk that is comparable to that of smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
The precise mechanisms by which this occurs remain to be elucidated. The primary issue is that of distinguishing between correlation and causation: It is evident that the majority of studies which have been conducted on the impact of social connections on health have been of an observational nature. This fact means that these studies are unable to provide definitive evidence as to the aetiology of the phenomena under investigation. It is not difficult to hypothesise that individuals who are already predisposed to health issues may consequently exhibit suboptimal social relationships as a consequence of these health concerns. Furthermore, it is possible that entirely new variables may be in operation, exerting influence on both. For instance, substance abuse has been demonstrated to have a detrimental effect on both social relationships and physical health.
Nevertheless, the hypothesis that social relationships can contribute to the preservation and enhancement of physical health remains a subject of considerable research interest. A hypothesis that is gaining traction is the one positing the role of inflammatory markers. New research published in Brain, Behavior, and Immunity this month strengthens the association between social relationships and biological markers, including inflammation and the aging process itself.
In the present study, the characteristics of a sample of over 2,000 middle-aged adults residing in the United States were observed. Their data formed part of the Midlife in the United States (MIDUS) data set, the purpose of which was to measure a construct termed cumulative social advantage (CSA). CSA is an aggregate assessment of one's level of social connection across four domains: religious and faith-based support, parent-child relationship quality, community engagement, and extended emotional support.
In this study, CSA was measured against blood samples, including a widely used index of biological age called GrimAge. The findings of this study indicated a substantial correlation between CSA and biological aging. It has been demonstrated that elevated social advantage is associated with a deceleration of the ageing process and a reduction in inflammation.
It must be acknowledged that, in essence, this remains a correlational study. It is possible that the same discrepancies in causal direction that are characteristic of observational research may be present. It is acknowledged that, despite the utilisation of the statistical technique of structural equation modelling in this study, the capability to substantiate causal effects remains elusive.
However, the isolation of specific long-term biological factors that differ between those with high social connectedness and satisfaction versus those with low, lessens the possibility that other confounds of lifestyle behaviours are accounting for the differences. The hypothesis is that there are subtle and long-lasting physiological changes – even at the cellular level – in people who have strong social ties, and it is not unlikely that strong social ties are at least one cause of those characteristics. The hypothesis that robust social connections exert a beneficial influence on health is substantiated by the presence of several key factors. These include, but are not limited to, diminished blood pressure levels, an augmented immune system, and heightened exposure to novel stimuli. These factors collectively contribute to the enhancement of bodily and cognitive function.
This finding underscores the importance of prioritising friendships as much as one would prioritise exercise, nutrition, or other conventional strategies for enhancing physical health.
6 Healthy Relationship Habits
The following six healthy relationship habits are commonly perceived to be toxic:
1. The allowance of unresolved conflict is a matter of concern.
There is a gentleman by the name of John Gottman, who is regarded as the Michael Jordan of relationship research. The subject has been engaged in the study of intimate relationships for a period exceeding four decades, a field which the subject is widely credited with having pioneered.
Gottman developed the process of "thin-slicing" relationships, a technique involving the use of biometric devices to record brief conversations between couples. Gottman then proceeds to meticulously analyse the conversation frame by frame, with a focus on biometric data, body language, tonality, and the specific words chosen by the participants. Subsequently, the data is amalgamated to predict the quality of the marriage.
His "thin-slicing" process boasts an astonishing 91% success rate in predicting whether newly-wed couples will divorce within 10 years—a remarkably high result for any psychological research (Gladwell, M. (2005). Blink. New York: Little, Brown and Company.) Gottman's seminars have been found to demonstrate a 50% higher success rate in the saving of troubled marriages in comparison to traditional marriage counselling. The academic accolades bestowed upon his research papers are so numerous that they fill the state of Delaware. He has authored nine books on the subjects of intimate relationships, marital therapy, and the science of trust.
The crux of the argument is that when one seeks to comprehend the elements that engender the success of long-term relationships, John Gottman's contributions are nothing short of revelatory.
Gottman's primary assertion, present in the vast majority of his literary works, is as follows:
The notion that couples must engage in continuous dialogue and address all issues is a fallacy.
In his extensive research, encompassing thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for over forty years, he repeatedly found that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, issues that they've sometimes been fighting about for decades. Conversely, numerous unsuccessful couples were insistent on resolving all issues, operating under the belief that discord was to be eschewed. In due course, a similar void was experienced in the relationship.Successful couples are able to accept and understand that conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, and that there will always be certain aspects of their partner that they dislike or with which they do not agree. This is an acceptable part of the relationship. It is unnecessary to alter another person in order to love them. Disagreements should not be permitted to compromise the otherwise positive and healthy nature of the relationship.
In certain instances, the endeavour to resolve a conflict may result in the creation of additional issues rather than their resolution. It is evident that not all battles are worth engaging in. In certain cases, the most effective relationship strategy may be one of mutual respect and personal autonomy.
2. The willingness to inflict emotional distress upon others is a matter of significant concern.
My wife invests a significant amount of time in front of the mirror, driven by her concern for her physical appearance. Prior to our social engagements, she frequently emerges from the bathroom following a prolonged session involving the application of makeup, styling of hair, and the selection of attire, and poses the question to me as to how she appears. While she is generally attractive, she does occasionally experiment with new hairstyles or wear boots that some extravagant fashion designer from Milan might consider avant-garde. The present study demonstrates that this approach is not efficacious.
Whenever I convey this to her, she typically becomes enraged. As she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make us 30 minutes late, she uses a profanity-laden Portuguese vernacular, sometimes even directing a few choice words at me.
It is evident that males frequently engage in dishonesty in this scenario, with the primary objective being to ensure their partners' contentment. However, I do not subscribe to this perspective. Why? It is axiomatic that, in the context of interpersonal relationships, honesty is of greater importance than the pursuit of momentary feelings of well-being. The individual to whom I am referring is not, I would contend, the sort of person with whom I would ever have to exercise self-censorship. Indeed, it is the woman to whom I am currently engaged that I would be most reluctant to do so.
Fortunately, my spouse shares this conviction and we are in agreement that honesty is to be preferred in all circumstances. She has been known to challenge my assertions on occasion, and this is regarded as one of the most valuable qualities she contributes to our relationship. It is evident that the ego of the individual in question is susceptible to bruising. The initial reaction to such feedback is often one of resistance, characterised by verbal expressions of dissatisfaction and attempts at rationalisation. However, subsequent to a period of introspection, it is customary for the individual to acknowledge the veracity of the feedback and to recognise the positive impact of the feedback on personal development. This process is often accompanied by a sense of contrition and a desire to amend one's conduct.
In circumstances where individuals prioritise the pursuit of personal or relational well-being, there is a tendency for this to be at the expense of the well-being of the other person. Furthermore, interpersonal relationships are susceptible to dissolution without the awareness of the individual.
It is imperative to establish a greater significance in one's relationship than merely fostering perpetual feelings of satisfaction in one another. The experience of joy, as exemplified by phenomena such as sunset views and canines, is contingent upon the establishment of fundamental principles, including values, needs, and trust.
In the event of feelings of smothering and a desire for solitude, it is essential to be able to articulate this without recourse to blame. Similarly, the other party must be able to receive such a statement without resorting to blame. This is despite the potential discomfort it may engender. Should she perceive a lack of emotional warmth and responsiveness on my part, it is imperative that she is able to articulate these feelings without attributing blame to me. Similarly, I must be receptive to her feedback without deflecting responsibility. It is essential to acknowledge the discomfort these emotions may cause and to address them constructively.
It is imperative that these dialogues take place in order to ensure the sustained well-being of the relationship, thereby addressing the requirements of both parties. The absence of these elements can result in the dissolution of interpersonal connections.
3. The willingness to bring the matter to a conclusion is of paramount importance.
The concept of romantic sacrifice is a widely held ideal in contemporary culture. It is evident that within the genre of romance, there is a recurring theme of characters who exhibit behaviours indicative of desperation and neediness. These characters often prioritise their own emotional needs over those of others, seemingly driven by the pursuit of romantic relationships.
Indeed, the standards by which a relationship is deemed to be successful are somewhat distorted. In the event of the dissolution of a relationship, and assuming the absence of fatality, the prevailing societal perspective is to regard this as a failure, irrespective of the emotional or practical circumstances experienced by the individual. This is a rather absurd situation.
The play Romeo and Juliet was initially composed as a satire, with the intention of highlighting the perceived deficiencies in the notion of young, romantic love and the tendency of individuals to act irrationally in the context of relationships. This tendency can manifest in behaviours such as the consumption of poisonous substances, driven by misguided beliefs influenced by familial dynamics.
However, the prevailing perception of the play is as a romantic narrative. This phenomenon can be defined as a form of irrational idealisation that compels individuals to remain in relationships with partners who exhibit abusive behaviours, to forsake their own needs and identities, and to adopt martyr-like qualities characterised by perpetual desolation. This tendency involves the suppression of personal discomfort and distress in the name of preserving a relationship "until death do us part."
In some cases, the most effective strategy for ensuring the success of a relationship is to terminate it at the optimal juncture, before it becomes excessively detrimental to the individuals involved. The establishment of boundaries is a prerequisite for facilitating personal growth and that of one's partner, and this is facilitated by a willingness to engage in the process.
The notion of self-love is juxtaposed with the act of love for another, with the assertion that if the former were to be present, the latter would be unnecessary.
This statement was made by Marilyn Manson.
The phrase "till death do us part" conveys a romantic sentiment, yet when an individual or relationship is venerated to a degree that supersedes personal values, needs and other aspects of life, a problematic dynamic is established, characterised by a lack of accountability.
There is no impetus to develop or evolve, as the responsibility for the partner's presence and commitment is assumed. It is evident that our partner is not compelled to develop or evolve, as our presence is a constant assurance of their stability. This phenomenon can be likened to stagnation, which is known to engender a state of despondency.
4. The phenomenon of experiencing romantic attraction towards individuals outside the context of a romantic relationship is a subject that has been the subject of considerable scholarly attention.
A notable mental tyrannical aspect of a non-honest relationship pertains to the circumstance in which any modicum of emotional or sexual contemplation, devoid of consideration for one's partner, is perceived as a grave transgression.
Despite the common belief that humans are only capable of forming visual relationships with their romantic partners, scientific evidence suggests otherwise. Following the initial period of courtship, characterised by feelings of euphoria and the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin, the novelty of a new relationship can gradually diminish. Human sexuality is, to a certain extent, characterised by a tendency towards novelty. It is not uncommon for individuals in stable romantic partnerships to experience a sense of disorientation upon encountering attraction towards an external individual. This emotional response is often accompanied by a sense of self-reproach, leading to the perception of moral and ethical deficiencies in their own character. However, it is important to acknowledge that humans have the capacity to experience attraction and interest towards multiple individuals simultaneously. This phenomenon is not merely a matter of personal preference but is underpinned by biological imperatives.
The decision to act on the attraction is not inevitable. The majority of individuals, in the majority of cases, elect to refrain from acting on such sentiments. As with waves, they pass through us and leave us in a state of being with our partner that is very similar to the state in which they found us.
This phenomenon has been observed to elicit a sense of guilt in some individuals and a form of irrational jealousy in others. The prevailing cultural scripts suggest that, upon experiencing love, the narrative should reach its conclusion. Furthermore, should an individual engage in flirtatious behaviour towards us and it be found to be enjoyable, or should we discover that we have indulged in a fleeting erotic fantasy, it is likely that there is an inherent flaw in our psychological well-being or the stability of our relationship.
However, this assertion is not supported by the evidence. Indeed, it is a more beneficial approach to permit oneself to experience these emotions and then to relinquish them.
When such emotions are repressed, an individual may find themselves susceptible to their influence, allowing them to govern one's actions instead of engaging with them through acknowledgement and discernment.
Individuals who suppress these impulses are frequently the ones who ultimately succumb to them, suddenly finding themselves engaged in intimate relations with their secretary in the broom closet, with no recollection of how they arrived there and subsequently experiencing profound regret.
Individuals who suppress these impulses are frequently the ones who project them onto their partner, leading to intense feelings of jealousy. In an attempt to exert control, these individuals seek to monitor their partner's thoughts and focus all forms of attention and affection exclusively on themselves.
Individuals who suppress these impulses frequently experience a sense of discontent and exasperation upon awakening, with no immediate rationalisation for their emotions. They may question the passage of time and express sentiments such as, "Do you recall the depth of our affection in the past?"
The observation that attractive individuals are a source of pleasure is well-documented. The act of engaging in conversation with individuals who possess physical attractiveness is a source of personal gratification. The consideration of aesthetically pleasing individuals has been demonstrated to be a source of personal gratification. This is not subject to alteration due to the status of the relationship between the parties in question on Facebook. It is evident that the suppression of such impulses towards others is concomitant with the dampening of similar impulses towards one's partner. The act of self-destruction can be viewed as a form of self-abnegation, which, ultimately, can have a detrimental effect on one's interpersonal relationships.
Upon encountering a visually appealing female, the experience is inherently enjoyable, as is customary for the male gender. However, it also serves to underscore the rationale behind my decision to be with my wife, given the numerous attractive women I have encountered and been involved with over the years. It is evident that the aforementioned individual possesses all the qualities that are absent in the typical woman.
While I am appreciative of the attention or even flirtation, the experience serves only to strengthen my commitment. The concept of attractiveness is ubiquitous. Authentic intimacy is not characterised by such behaviour.
When an individual engages in a romantic relationship, they are not committing their thoughts, feelings or perceptions to that person. The capacity to exercise control over our thoughts, feelings and perceptions is limited in most cases; therefore, the notion of making such a commitment is unattainable.
The degree of control that an individual exerts over their actions is a fundamental aspect of human behaviour. The commitment undertaken in relation to a particular individual is constituted by the aforementioned actions. All other considerations must be set aside, as is inevitable.
5. Spending Time Apart
It is a common phenomenon that, upon the commencement of a romantic relationship, a friend will seemingly vanish without explanation. This phenomenon is frequently observed in cases where individuals cease to engage in activities they previously enjoyed, such as basketball or socialising with friends, and instead dedicate their time to activities that their partners have suddenly expressed a strong interest in. This shift in preference can be seen as a departure from the individual's usual habits and preferences, and may be indicative of a shift in relationship dynamics. This situation is problematic for both the subjects and the subjects' opponents.
It should be noted that individuals exhibiting such tendencies may benefit from a thorough examination of their attachment style.
The onset of romantic love is characterised by the formation of both irrational beliefs and desires. One such desire is to allow one's life to be consumed by a person with whom one is infatuated. The experience evokes a sense of euphoria, akin to the effects of cocaine, albeit to a lesser extent. The issue only arises in the instance that this desire is actualised.
The issue inherent in the process of surrendering one's individual identity to the context of a romantic relationship is that as one evolves to align more closely with the characteristics held by the individual with whom they are involved, there is a concomitant diminution of that sense of individuality.
It is important to periodically disengage from one's significant other in order to assert autonomy and pursue personal interests. It is recommended to cultivate a network of independent friendships, embark on infrequent solo excursions, and reflect on the factors that shaped one's identity and the initial attractions to a partner.
In the absence of oxygen, the fire between the two of you will inevitably diminish, transforming the initial sparks of passion into mere physical contact.
6. Accepting Your Partner’s Flaws
In his novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera asserts the existence of two distinct types of philanderer. The first category comprises men who are seeking the ideal partner but are unable to locate such a person. The second category includes men who, through self-deception, perceive any woman they encounter to be already perfect.
This observation merits attention, as it applies not only to individuals who engage in serial monogamy, but also to those who persistently find themselves in dysfunctional relationships. In either scenario, the partner is either perceived as needing to be "fixed" or altered, or else the partner is regarded as being already perfect.
This phenomenon, far from being as complex as it might initially appear, can be distilled into a relatively straightforward series of steps. A detailed analysis is warranted.
It is an irrefutable fact that all individuals possess both flaws and imperfections.
It is not possible to compel an individual to alter their behaviour.
Therefore: It is imperative to select a partner who possesses flaws that are tolerable or even commendable.
The most accurate metric for the strength of one's affection for another individual is the degree to which one is able to tolerate their deficiencies. Should both parties be able to accept each other's shortcomings, and indeed even appreciate some of their own, this can be indicative of true intimacy. This may include such characteristics as obsessive cleanliness or social awkwardness.
One of the earliest and most notable expressions of this notion can be found in a myth attributed to Plato. In his Symposium, Plato (428-347 BC) wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. They were imbued with a sense of self-sufficiency and strength, so much so that they rose up and challenged the very existence of the gods themselves.
This predicament presented a challenge to the deities. The objective was not the complete eradication of the human race, as this would have resulted in the absence of a suitable subject population for domination. However, it was deemed necessary to instil a sense of humility and distraction in humanity.
Zeus, the Greek god of thunder, is said to have created humanity by splitting each human into two entities: a male and a female, or alternatively, a male and a male, or a female and a female. According to this myth, these individuals were then destined to traverse the world in search of their complementary counterpart, believed to be the key to achieving a sense of completeness and strength. The concept of wholeness, in this context, is theorised as arising from the convergence of two imperfections, rather than the convergence of two perfections. These imperfections, it is postulated, are mutually complementary and compensatory in nature, thereby negating the potential for any inherent deficiencies in their own right.
As posited by the artist Alex Grey, "True love is when two people's pathologies complement one another's." The concept of love is inherently characterised by its unrestrained and irrational nature. The optimal manifestation of love transpires when our irrational tendencies complement each other's, and our imperfections reciprocally attract one another.
It may be posited that it is the attraction of perfection that initially draws two individuals together. However, it is precisely these imperfections that determine the long-term stability of the relationship.
How Your Relationships Affect Your Health
The present study explores the relationship between interpersonal relationships and health outcomes.
A recent publication posits that, in order to achieve optimal health, there is a necessity to accord equal priority to one's social well-being as to one's physical and mental health.
It is common knowledge that maintaining physical health involves a number of factors, including a balanced diet, regular exercise, proper hand hygiene, and sufficient rest. However, the extent to which individuals have contemplated the significance of their social lives, characterised by the strength of their relationships and their sense of belonging to a community, as a crucial factor in maintaining their well-being, remains to be examined.
There may be some degree of awareness that relationships are of significance to our well-being. However, this is not always the case, as social connections are frequently taken for granted in the name of professional or other commitments.
Kasley Killam, author of the recent publication The Art and Science of Connection, perceives this as a problematic issue. Killam, a social scientist who has spent over a decade disseminating the science of social connection, advances the argument that social health is as integral to our well-being as mental and physical health. In fact, he contends that social health is interrelated to each and necessary for maintaining good health. The author's literary work and the organisation she established, Social Health Labs, are indicative of an attempt to encourage a greater number of individuals to prioritize their relationships with others.
"It is imperative to nurture both the physical and mental aspects of one's being, whilst simultaneously ensuring that interpersonal relationships are given adequate attention. Failure to do so can result in a deterioration in overall health and well-being. Conversely, the prioritisation of social connections, in conjunction with practices that promote physical and mental well-being, has been demonstrated to contribute to enhanced longevity, health, and quality of life.
The manner in which social health influences all other aspects
What is the intended meaning of the term "social health" as employed by Killam? For the subject, the term signifies "a profound sense of connection, reciprocal support, and a positive relationship with oneself" as well as "receiving the necessary support and experiencing a sense of care, understanding, appreciation, and belonging."
This may appear to be an unconventional indicator of well-being. However, as Killam contends, it is a pivotal issue, and researchers and health professionals, including the U.S. Surgeon General, are paying close attention.
For instance, in a 1979 study of almost 7,000 adults, researchers found that people lacking social or community ties were more than twice as likely to die within nine years, regardless of their health habits (including smoking, drinking, or exercising regularly). Subsequent research has corroborated the connection between social ties and longevity, including a 2021 analysis of many prior studies.
Furthermore, Killam (2023) asserts that strong social connections are also conducive to disease prevention. For instance, a study cited in the book found that individuals with stronger relationships were significantly less likely to develop cardiovascular disease or have a stroke. A further study revealed that individuals who experienced a high level of social support and received frequent physical affection, characterised by hugs, exhibited a reduced probability of contracting the common cold following exposure to a virus. She posits that human relationships engender a sense of reduced vulnerability, manifesting in a tangible diminution of actual physical vulnerability.
The question is posed of whether individuals are aware of the influence of interpersonal relationships on the development of chronic diseases such as heart disease, diabetes, depression, and dementia. "The concept of health is not confined to physical or mental well-being. Health is also a social construct."
It is evident that conducting studies of this nature presents a considerable challenge in terms of establishing a definitive causal relationship between the variables under investigation. Killam is acutely aware of this complexity. However, researchers are unable to deprive participants of social contact in an experimental setting; instead, they must rely on survey data. Nevertheless, she contends that this is equally applicable to other potential health risks, such as smoking, despite the widely accepted notion that smoking is a carcinogen. Conversely, a number of researchers have concluded that a lack of social connection is a contributing factor to poor physical health, thereby emphasising the urgency of addressing this issue.
Killam expresses concern that people do not recognise the strength of the link, or dismiss the importance of social ties as something relevant only to their emotional lives.
While social health is undoubtedly important for mental health, she hopes that focusing more on how it affects physical health will elevate the issue in people's minds.
The extensive significance of relationships is frequently overlooked and underappreciated due to its submergence within the discourse on mental health. This predicament is of significant concern," she writes. The assertion is made that human connection is of such significance and has such a profound impact on our overall health and longevity that it merits a position of prominence and recognition.
A proposed methodology for enhancing social health.
To that end, a significant proportion of Killam's book is dedicated to assisting individuals in enhancing their social well-being. Firstly, she posits the notion that individuals should undertake a comprehensive evaluation of the present state of their interpersonal relationships and professional networks. This approach, she contends, should be analogous to the manner in which one would assess one's physical health.
In order to achieve this objective, she proposes a thorough examination of the interpersonal relationships in one's life, encompassing those with close family members, friends, colleagues at work, neighbours, and broader communities. Additionally, she advises contemplating one's personal requirements for social interaction, taking into account one's innate personality type, such as introversion or extroversion. By reflecting on the quality and quantity of relationships one currently has, it is possible to decide if adjustments are needed (or not) and which of the four basic strategies Killam outlines would be best for the individual.
1. In circumstances where the quantity is minimal, it is recommended to employ the 'stretch' method. In the event that an individual perceives themselves to have a limited social network, it may be advisable to consider expanding the geographical scope of their social search. For instance, in the event of relocation to an unfamiliar area with an absence of personal acquaintances, it may be necessary to seek out local social establishments or to initiate personal contact with neighbours. It is possible to expand one's social circle even in the absence of a desire to do so. This can be achieved by venturing to new places or by cultivating a more amicable relationship with one's current social circle. Killam (2023) posits that peripheral ties have the capacity to engender closer ties and are also valuable for well-being in their own right.
2. In circumstances where the quantity is substantial, it is recommended that rest be taken. Some individuals experience a sense of being encumbered by an excess of social obligations, which can prove overwhelming, particularly for those who are more introverted and require solitude to replenish their reserves. In such cases, it may be advisable to reduce one's participation in wider social networks and to focus more intently on the relationships closest to oneself. This may involve declining invitations to social events.
3. The tone is indicative of the quality, which is substandard. In the context of social interaction, the presence of numerous social connections does not necessarily guarantee a sense of emotional well-being. It is possible to experience a state of profound loneliness despite the abundance of social interactions. The underlying cause of this phenomenon is the absence of a sense of emotional intimacy and connection with others. In such cases, it may be advisable to assume a greater degree of risk in order to enhance intimacy with existing acquaintances. This may be achieved through the disclosure of personal difficulties and the solicitation of counsel, or by the expression of gratitude towards the individual in question, as posited by Killam. She emphasises the significance of forging meaningful connections in one's life, citing authors such as Marisa Franco, whose literary work, entitled Platonic, offers insights into the cultivation of intimacy within friendships.
4. In the event of a high-quality outcome, the option of flexibility should be considered. In the event of an optimal quality of relationships, minimal effort may be required in terms of maintenance, with the continuation of practices that are conducive to the nurturing of relationships. Killam's assertion is that the cultivation of social aptitude is instrumental in fostering a sense of social well-being. The act of engaging in meaningful interactions with others can yield a multitude of advantages, including the enhancement of personal fulfilment and the strengthening of interpersonal bonds.
Evidently, the necessity for diverse strategies will vary according to the circumstances. However, Killam also encourages individuals to venture beyond their comfort zones on occasion, particularly in the context of forging connections with strangers. While one might be hesitant to adopt this approach, research has indicated that introverts and extroverts alike have experienced positive benefits in their daily lives from engaging in more frequent and profound conversations with others. This finding, although perhaps counterintuitive to some, underscores the potential for introverts to benefit from such interactions.
For those seeking a more precise understanding of the relationship between socialisation and health, Canadian researchers have developed quantitative guidelines derived from mass surveys. Inspired by this, Killam proposes her own concise "prescription" for enhancing social health. "Firstly, it is recommended that one establishes connections with five different individuals on a weekly basis. Secondly, it is recommended that at least three close relationships are maintained. Thirdly, it is recommended that individuals allocate at least one hour daily to social interaction.
As with other health guidelines, these recommendations should not be strictly adhered to. However, emulating these behaviors may yield a more favourable social health outcome.
She asserts that guidelines can be beneficial, citing the example of the 10,000 steps per day recommendation, the eight-hour sleep guideline, and the eight-glass-of-water-per-day guideline.
The following essay will explore the factors that hinder the enhancement of social health.
It is important to note that not all individuals feel comfortable extending a hand in a gesture of support, as they may be apprehensive about facing potential rejection or feelings of embarrassment. However, it is possible that an excess of caution is being exhibited, as research findings indicate that individuals tend to derive more enjoyment from social connections than they anticipate, and consequently, they underestimate the level of appreciation and approval from others when they initiate contact.
In order to establish a connection, Killam suggests the following recommendations: volunteering in one's local community, being vulnerable and disclosing personal information to others in a selective manner, expressing gratitude, and performing good deeds. These actions have been proven to enhance interpersonal relationships. It is evident that while a multitude of these strategies will prove advantageous to the individual, they will also be of benefit to one's immediate social circle, thereby engendering a more convivial and welcoming social environment for all parties.
Nevertheless, the onus for maintaining social health should not be placed exclusively on the individual, as Killam contends. In order to facilitate social interaction and connection, it is imperative to enhance the welcoming environment of our neighborhoods, workplaces, urban spaces, and governments. In this vein, she expounds on initiatives worldwide that are focused on enhancing social well-being. These initiatives encompass the establishment of communal meeting spaces, such as public parks, the organisation of community events, the facilitation of organisations that promote shared interests among individuals, and the cultivation of intergenerational bonds.
Although these initiatives may originate from an individual's conceptualisation, they are frequently endorsed by communities and government agencies that acknowledge the necessity for enhanced social interaction among all segments of society. According to Killam, this outcome is beneficial for all parties involved.
As posited by the author, enhanced access to communal spaces has been demonstrated to be correlated with an increase in interpersonal familiarity amongst neighbours, an escalation in levels of trust, and an augmentation in community cohesion. These phenomena are posited to exert a beneficial effect on society as a whole. It is evident that these factors should collectively contribute to enhanced social health, thereby facilitating longer, healthier, and happier lives.
Love, Loss, and Holidays: Staying Connected When Hearts are Broken
It is important to understand the reasons why grief can be more intense during the holiday period, and to learn how to establish a connection with a loved one when experiencing emotional distress.
The marketing of holidays as occasions of joy and magic is a well-documented phenomenon. A variety of social events are held, including family gatherings, corporate parties organised by holiday companies, and winter celebrations. Nonetheless, for a considerable number of individuals, this period can be characterised by a state of discomfort, particularly in cases of bereavement. The holiday season has been shown to exacerbate feelings of loneliness (Smith, 2022), which can be attributed to the contrast between socialising with others and feeling alone. Individuals may experience an increase in feelings of invisibility, stemming from the potential concealment of their discomfort. Consequently, they may perceive a sense of isolation, even in environments characterised by a substantial number of people.
Grief is an inevitable aspect of the human experience, and it is a form of love that does not adhere to a specific social timeline. The process is uninterruptable and unrelenting.
This article will provide guidance on how to navigate the holiday season when confronted with grief. This encompasses both the ostensibly trivial and the profoundly impactful, ranging from minor incidents that are often disregarded to those with life-altering consequences. This text is intended for individuals who have experienced loss, regardless of the time elapsed since the event occurred.
The following essay sets out to explore the concept of "holiday grief" and the implications thereof.
The question that is posed here is why grief appears to be more acutely felt during the festive period. It is evident that the holiday season can be a challenging period for many individuals, characterised by feelings of hardship and isolation. The following factors have been identified as contributing to this experience:
It is evident that traditions and rituals have the capacity to draw attention to that which is absent. It is possible that there is a particular event (e.g. dinner, gathering, party) that is customarily attended with a significant other, or that was anticipated to be shared with a new infant.
The societal expectation of maintaining a positive emotional state during this period can be exceedingly challenging for individuals experiencing bereavement. Individuals may experience feelings of shame related to perceived deficiencies in their happiness, and on occasion, unknowing others may contribute to this sense of shame through comments regarding absences or a perceived absence of positive emotional expression.
It is not uncommon for individuals to experience an elevated inclination to engage in self-comparison, often extending to the observation of others, including those with whom they have no personal acquaintance. One might compare one's situation to that of one's partner, family members, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, people one passes in the street, or the seemingly endless highlight reels one encounters on social media. It is important to note that the experience of grief can vary significantly between individuals, both within the same relationship and across different relationships. This observation may lead to questions regarding the underlying causes and significance of these differences. The experience of observing a pregnant individual can evoke profound emotional responses, particularly among those grappling with infertility or the experience of miscarriage. The sight of siblings navigating life's challenges without the presence of a sibling can be particularly poignant, as can the laughter of a couple in the midst of relationship dissolution. A comparison is often initiated rapidly and discreetly, and it is well-documented that it will almost invariably exacerbate the emotional distress experienced by the individual concerned.
The emotional dissonance between joy and grief can be likened to the physical sensation of whiplash. The connection and love can be experienced as profoundly positive, while the moments of loss and loneliness can feel utterly isolating. The emotional intensity can be amplified, and the hill that must be climbed in order to overcome a loss can appear to be significantly more daunting.
A Taxonomy of LOSS
It is imperative to acknowledge that loss is loss, irrespective of its form. The absence of a hierarchical structure is a salient feature. It is important to note that no particular option is inherently superior or inferior. The prevailing sentiment is one of profound loss and emotional distress. This phenomenon is influenced by a multitude of factors, resulting in a unique experience for each individual. This phenomenon may be likened to the challenge of extricating oneself from the pull of a black hole. Alternatively, an individual may employ deliberate distraction as a means of alleviating their mental distress. The manner in which individuals express their emotions can be categorised as either expressive or restrained. The following are some forms of loss that the bereaved may have experienced:
Death of a loved one
The phenomenon of loss of estranged family or disconnection is a subject that merits further investigation.
The occurrence of pregnancy loss or miscarriage
The prevalence of infertility and stillbirth is a significant public health concern.
The experience of miscarriage or infant loss.
Divorce, separation, a breakup
The loss of health or mobility is a significant concern.
Loss of a job/income/financial stability
Loss of routine or home
The form in which it manifests is inconsequential; the sentiment of heartache remains constant.
The impact on couples and families
The experience of loss has the potential to exert significant strain on even the most resilient interpersonal relationships, with this strain often arising from divergent approaches to the process of grief. It is possible that one individual may wish to engage in conversation, while the other may prefer to disengage. One individual may wish to engage in social activities with friends and family, while another may prefer to remain at home in a state of repose. There is a multiplicity of approaches to the expression of grief; individuals process experiences in disparate ways, and there is a heterogeneity in the extent to which people are able to access their emotions.
It is important to note that criticism and defensiveness may be evident.
The subject has been observed to venture out on a number of occasions, a practice that has become increasingly rare.
It is evident that the individual in question has not experienced the issue under discussion.
The subject was requested to cease weeping.
Conversely, an individual may exhibit a total absence of emotional response. This may be manifested as a withdrawal of physical affection or a diminution in the frequency of interpersonal communication.
The absence of empathy and the failure to share in the emotional distress of another can serve to exacerbate the divide.
What helps: The following essay sets out the argument that maintaining connections with others is a key factor in coping with pain.
The navigation of loss as a team has been demonstrated to engender a deepening of connection between spouses or partners.
Name and share the grief.
In the event that these are not available, it is recommended that this fact is communicated. It is important to note whether the present day is perceived as more challenging than previous ones. It is important to note the occurrence of laughter, which may be indicative of a positive emotional response.
Make room for all emotions.
The emotional response to loss can be characterised as disorderly and disorganised. One minute, the subject may be in a state of emotional distress, and the next, they may experience a shift in mood and find humour in the situation. The situation is satisfactory. In cases where this is possible, it is recommended that individuals welcome their emotions. It is not intended to be rectified. It is imperative to remain self-aware during the process of emotional processing. It is important to be present with others, to be attentive to their feelings, and to provide physical comfort. It is imperative to ensure that the relevant parties are aware of your presence.
Rituals of remembrance.
This may pertain to a pastime, an activity that is currently enjoyed, or a novel undertaking. One possible course of action would be to light a candle, provide a beverage of their choice, and narrate a story about them. One potential solution to this issue would be to prepare a meal that is known to be particularly favoured by the individual in question. It is imperative to identify an activity that holds personal significance. It is possible to undertake this task independently, or alternatively, one may elect to extend an invitation to others to participate.
A re-evaluation of expectations is recommended.
It is important to consider the potential benefits of simplifying or altering traditions on a temporary basis. It is imperative to allocate time and space for the transition to occur, allowing the new state to emerge without the constraints of the past. It may be advisable to articulate a firm refusal in a complete sentence.
The following questions are to be addressed by couples upon check-in:
What is the one thing that is causing you to experience a sense of trepidation during the present season?
It is important to consider which minor aspect might be perceived as comforting.
In what manner may I offer you assistance today?
The following Gottman tools are to be emphasised:
What methodologies can be employed to formulate unambiguous bids for attention and encourage reciprocal interaction? The second participant was requested to bring a cup of coffee and inquire as to the other participant's day. Thereafter, the two participants were encouraged to move closer together on the sofa.
The Gentle Start Up is intended for use in sensitive conversations. (I feel ___ about ___ and I want.)
It is important to acknowledge when an individual has made an effort to establish a connection, and express gratitude for their interest.
The provision of support to individuals experiencing grief is a subject that has been the focus of much recent research.
In situations where other people are experiencing grief, it can be challenging to determine how to communicate effectively. It is possible to experience a sense of being overwhelmed by the emotions of others. It is possible that the speaker has already articulated their thoughts on the matter, and thus has no further contributions to make. In her work, Brown (2016) discusses the concept of empathy as a "sacred space", which, as she argues, facilitates a connection between individuals. It is important to note that feelings should not be disregarded or diminished. It is acceptable to acknowledge an inability to formulate a response. The act of providing physical and emotional support to a person experiencing grief can be of significant benefit. The presence of a supportive individual can offer a sense of companionship and understanding, which can be of immense value during a period of profound personal loss. Furthermore, it is considered appropriate to communicate one's boundaries to the relevant individuals. For instance, one might state, "I am available for the next hour, after which I will be departing." Alternatively, the option to "tap" another player is available should a respite be required.
Frequently, individuals experience difficulty in formulating appropriate expressions of sympathy for those who are currently undergoing a period of bereavement. Rather than:
"Exercise optimism."
It is asserted that the individual in question will successfully overcome the present difficulties.
“Time heals all wounds.”
"You will be fine."
The popular adage, "Everything happens for a reason", is one that is frequently cited in popular culture.
Instead, the following should be attempted:
"I am aware of the complexity of this issue."
It is evident that the individual is experiencing significant discomfort.
The assertion is made that the presence of the subject is with the group.
It is acknowledged that the present situation is not capable of resolution. However, affection is still felt towards the other person.
One possible course of action would be to offer specific support. It is possible that the subjects would express appreciation for a meal being prepared for them. In the event of the presence of offspring, it is recommended that a limited period of childcare be allocated. One strategy that has been employed to alleviate this issue is to engage in activities such as tea consumption and attentive listening, or to assist with various tasks. It is imperative to emulate their actions and discern their inclinations or acquiescence to specific actions.
When More Help Is Needed
Grief complicates relationships. It is important to recognise that individuals experiencing this process do not need to be alone, despite how they might feel. The identification of a grief support group can be a beneficial endeavour. The ability to engage in open dialogue with individuals who have experienced similar circumstances can be a liberating process. The act of sharing experiences without providing explanations or merely listening to the accounts of others can engender a sense of solidarity and mutual support.
The utilisation of couples therapy has been demonstrated to be a beneficial intervention in such cases. The ability to articulate one's emotions to another without the presence of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, or contempt is a significant factor in the quality of the relationship. The ability to articulate personal desires, engage in negotiations regarding boundaries, and establish environments conducive to diverse forms of expression and mutual support are pivotal factors in fostering meaningful connections. The Gottman Referral Network boasts an extensive list of therapists specialising in a range of therapeutic interventions, including couples, family and individual therapy. It is important to note that grief does not have to be a divisive force; indeed, it has the capacity to serve a constructive function by helping to establish a more robust foundation.
Closing note
The experience of grief is not bound by temporal constraints. The notion of prolonged periods of respite is not a concept that is easily embraced, as life continues to unfold around one, even in the face of profound personal upheaval. The contrast is exacerbated by the temporal proximity of the holiday period. The advent of holiday periods does not signify the eradication of the discomfort; rather, it signifies the simultaneous existence of both the discomfort and the holiday period. It is important to acknowledge the inherent human element in this process, and the wide range of experiences that individuals bring to the situation.
You are not alone. It is possible to establish a connection with other individuals, as well as with one's spouse or partner. It is noteworthy that others have previously experienced comparable circumstances. The ability to share experiences without the imposition of solutions, but rather with the act of receiving a sympathetic ear and acknowledgement of one's experiences, can prove to be a potent catalyst for personal growth and empowerment.
It is important to note that such rituals can be of benefit to couples. The following discussion will explore methods of establishing connections with others, even in cases where these methods differ from one's personal preferences. It is imperative to identify shared meaning in values and desires as the process of creating a solution that is mutually beneficial is initiated.